TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the eyesight powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town historically noted for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully away from location. Developed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable h2o. But Of course, certain, let us have Yet another location wherever American Males can don robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, not surprisingly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: supply Everybody a suite within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In keeping with documents printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often delicate power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire observed, "It isn't really that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he really should cease utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the job, replied, "You already know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for Trump Tower Damascus "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a characteristic remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… very well, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not only unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Features


Perhaps the strangest component of the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where guests could contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Without end."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee retailers:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "where's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is now attracting focus from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area Depending on the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to discover a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a resort the place my PTSD may have transform-down services."


An additional publish from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly provided to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a closing ceremony that included a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It required gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave it all 3. You're welcome."

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